Fearing the Future

As I was sitting alone in my room today trying to gather the motivation to complete a simple assignment for one of my online classes I realized that I would much rather be thinking about and planing my future. As a goal oriented planner and dreamer I am always looking towards the next academic, career, or life accomplishment to gain fulfillment and purpose. I know completely mapping out my life down to every last detail is impossible, and I have accepted this. At the same time I have great plans to travel the world, further my education in grad school, and advance my career by owning and running a design firm. I also dream of Mr. Right, preferably in the form of tall dark and handsome, rich, and godly and the perfect family and household down to the little white picket fence. Some would say that i'm a dreamer and passionate about living life to the fullest and gaining everything this world has to offer.

In trying to understand myself on a deeper level, I can see that I dream out of fear not out of passion. Dreaming is the drug that gives me a false reality, sense of control, and peace about the uncertainties of this life. It brings me out of the present and into a magical land where life is golden and fruitful. Reality quickly slaps me in the face and I suddenly feel completely unmotivated, apathetic, and scared. It's as if this false dichotomy of the future makes the present that much harder to push through. I then develop negative thoughts because of my overwhelming frustration for myself which leads me to forget my problems in the drug of lala land once again. 

This a vicious and dangerous cycle for two reasons. First, I am so concerned about the future that I cannot work on the task at hand. Because I always see the big picture, it is difficult for me to work hard in the moment and enjoy the journey. Little goals and successes are hard to celebrate because they are minuscule for the end goal. I would rather take shortcuts, and live without an instruction manual if it means accomplishing my goals quicker.This is dangerous primarily because it is a "me centered" mentality. 

Secondly, my plans leave little room for God. I know that God has great plans for my life but I guess I secretly expect his plans to line up with mine. It's as if God were the pilot but I assumed the position of copilot, ready to take over the pilot duties when necessary. This, again, is because of my lack of trust and fear of losing control. A better model to follow would be the role of a passenger having no control of the destination, timing, or route. Passengers must have complete trust in the pilot to safety get them to their destination in his timing, and to gently guide them through the turbulence of life. Isaiah 55:8  says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither ware your ways my ways, declares the LORD"  

I say all of this because I know that fear is crippling and dreams alone aren't going to get me through life. I am striving everyday to let God have complete control of my daily decisions and my future. I know that He has created me for a specific purpose and that He has a wonderful plan for my life if only I would completely surrender myself to his will. Only there will I find peace and hope for the future. Lastly, this song helped redirect my thoughts before writing this. I hope it brings you some encouragement as well. 

May the Lord bless you and keep you. 

~K.L.E