Where Do I Belong?

I have only been on God's green earth for 20 years, 4 months, and 9 days and I know I have a lot of life left to live and experiences to learn from, God willing. I am told that this should be the best time of my life, and many remark on how they wish they could be young again and experience life to the fullest. I am also fed stories of how people my age (and slightly older) are married, taking care of a family, and starting their career. There are people my age starting corporations and changing the world while there are also those who still live with their parents and work their minimum wage job with no goals, or expectations. Then there is is me, caught up in the dichotomy of adolescence and adulthood. Trying to live life, and make responsible decisions all while not understanding where I truly fit into this world. As I teenager, I always knew there was a lot expected of me mainly because I tend to be an old women trapped in a young girl's body. I've never really felt like I have lived up to expectations, from parents and others but mainly from myself. For so many years i've set the standard so high that sometimes I wonder if I was robbed of living in the moment.

Society tells my generation to enjoy life,  and make your own mistakes. To eat that burger, procrastinate homework and not worry about a serious job or relationship because it will all work itself out in time. I also see people my age who are forced into adulthood because of prematurely making adult decisions but just because these people have adult responsibilities, does not mean they handle them maturely. I do not want to be a slave to my own pleasure as many of my generation has done because anything starting with "me" leads away from Him. "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." (Prov.16:18). Though I am not a slave to pleasure and personal gain, I am to control and comfort. It's easy for me to not be that crazy young person that parties, disrespects authority, and has no life goals because I can plainly see the consequences of these mistakes. Because of this, I tend to appear more mature and responsible and like I have it all together, when in reality I am imprisioned in my comfort zone, guarded from people or experiences that might make me lose control. This is a struggle I  am bombarded with on a daily basis. 

At the end of the day, when society and media have gone to sleep, and my facade of perfection and control has faded, I am left asking the question "where do I belong"? What does God expect from me, right now, in my walk of life? How can I embody Christ when I don't even know where I fit into society? When I am left feeling alone, discouraged, and useless God reminds me that his purpose is so much greater than anything I can fathom. Society, marketing, and politics all want young people for their agenda but God wants me too, so much that he'll leave the 99 protected sheep to go after me. That is truly humbling. He wants to mold us into something great and use weaknesses and sin for his glory. "His power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor. 12:9), "He makes all things work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose" (Rom.8:28), and He so loved me so much that he would give his one and only son up for my sin. (John 3:16). In wondering where I belong I still do not not have an answer, and maybe never will. But I do know to who I belong and I pray that His grace covers my many weaknesses and  I long for him to have complete control over my life. A friend shared this song with me and it is very fitting for the topic.

May the Lord bless you and keep You

K.L.E