Losing Control

Warning, the words I am about to write are might come off as dramatic, un-empathic, complaining, or harsh but I can assure you I am only speaking words of complete honesty in how I truly feel. Please understand that the filter has been lifted and the goal is not not to offend but rather to open myself up completely to being real with myself and others. If you stumbled upon this post hoping for some encouragement, this is not that kind of post as it is more for my reflection than anything else. 

Today has been one of the worst days of my life. I am physically and mentally exhausted beyond reproach. I've felt serious anxiety, frustration, fury, spite, apathy, and depression all at many different point today, some, all at the same time.  After getting maybe three hours of sleep I was thrown right back into the craziness of classes, work, and diligently working to get a project done that I had pretty much only started the night before. Nothing was going right, people were annoying the heck out of me and there were some points where my mind was filled with slews of cuss words just waiting to come out. On top of all that, I am getting sick (the lack of sleep and eating probably doesn't help as well as the weather change). At one point in the afternoon, I felt so weak. My eyes got blurry, heart started beating uncontrollably fast, mind was racing and hands were shaky.If I had to guess, I would say that anxiety got the best of me and that I had an anxiety attack (something I have never fully experienced before).   I came to class not knowing of an assignment or frankly even caring that I had nothing to show and spent the entire class period working on the project for tonight knowing all the while that my grade for today was probably a "F", which is what I felt like anyway, a big fat failure. I finished my project for the next class literally minutes before presenting and feel like what I turned in for that project is a huge joke. Now I am here, sitting in my apartment bawling my eyes out and wallowing in a hole of self pity.Why don't you just shot me? At least then I might find peace instead of gasping for air between the shovels full of cow crap in my self-made grave.

Many people might read this and think "that day doesn't seem that bad" or might be reading this and not even realizing the inner torment I have felt today, and many days leading up to this. You see, the day in itself was actually not that bad (as stressful as it might have been) and hopefully ugly Katy only showed through about 40% while internally it was boiling to over 100% of my thoughts and intended actions. Events, and people did not make my day horrible, but rather myself. You see, I live in myself constantly self critiquing, judging, and being frustrated with my level of competency. It is easy to say "love yourself" and yet why in the craziness of the every day do I feel stupid, worthless, ugly and weak. Greater than all these feelings is the feeling of utter disappointment in myself, knowing that I can do better and accomplish so much more. Many would say "try harder next time" or maybe "the more you put in the more you get out" both these things are true, but what most people don't understand is that I give life, (specifically design) every single ounce of energy I have 99.9% of the time but still feel like i'm sinking in quicksand, helpless to get out. 

I often wonder why giving my best suddenly isn't good enough. No matter what I do or how hard I work, there will always be more to do or another level to achieve. At this point, it's not about achieving a higher level or perfection because I can't even produce marginal work as of late. I think this all boils down to the topic of control or lack thereof. The idea of "control" has been on my mind a lot lately as I often feel out of control. On of my major prayers this semester has been for God to take control but has this been from a place of finding refuge and peace in the midst of the chaos? See what I am slowly (and painfully) realizing is that I have been praying for God to take control so that I could feel in control. It's like i've been saying "God take over the hard times in life, so that I can return to running my life carefree from all worry." However, amidst the hard times, God is taking control. He is taking control away from me and forcing me to rely on Him. School was always something I have felt that I could manipulate to get the results I wanted. I was never a genius student, but always made good grades and completed every assignment knowing that I would do well if I put the work in. It's like an equation, Hard work + determination=success, right? But what happens when hard work + determination= loneliness, depression, and even complete failure? 

So yeah, this day sucked. This semester has sucked!Sometimes nothing goes my way no matter how hard I try. The interesting thing is no matter how delayed my journey gets, I still am on track towards the destination. Some how, everything works out (even if it's not how I planed).  Maybe, just maybe, God has an under construction sign on me and I am feeling the growing pains of being reshaped. Life is hard and I am praying that God takes complete control (no matter how scary that gets) and continues to stand by me and gently sway me back to his wisdom when I foolishly follow my own path. 

May the Lord bless you and keep you,

K.L.E