The Negative Optimist

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.” The great words of Charles Dickens resound loudly as I think over the journey of this past semester. I have immensely enjoyed my classes and projects this semester, but feel great relief that it is over and I get my life back for a short time. I leave this semester feeling accomplished and proud, forgetting that not a few days ago, the exhaustion, stress, anxiety, and demands left me on the side of the road feeling ashamed, scared, lonely, insecure, stupid, and unworthy. 

Sometimes I wonder why life feels so difficult and painful. Millions make it through college successfully each year, and many go on to get Masters or Doctorate degree all while working, enjoying a social life, and participating in various activities. I also realize that for many, a college education is only a distant dream and they don’t take for granted a warm place to lay the head, or a nice, nourishing meal. Some people in this world, country, state, and even the small bubble of Oklahoma Christian are experiencing so much more pain: unimaginable anguish both physically and emotionally, yet my life is so “horrible” that I don’t even notice. Am I really so wrapped up in my own busyness, that I can’t take time to notice others needs? 

I digress but bringing it back to Dickens, I truly feel the undeniable tension between “the best of times and worst of times”. This semester’s studies have made me feel alive and dead all in the same breath. I discovered that I truly love truly love design, but I also have a great love for humanity and sometimes these ideals compete. Most days I felt like I was dying or already dead, yet God blessed me just enough extra energy to get through the hard days. I have never had determination & apathy both fight so hard for my mind. I felt very disconnected socially but in turn advanced a few relationships that really matter and grew from self-reflection. 

I regret to say that stress from the semester has brought out my critical and negative side, but has also developed my confidence and identity. It’s like I am a teenage again, discovering what it means to become my own “adult version” of an individual. I am not quite as naïve about people and situations and the harsh realities of “adulting” and this has helped me grow in appreciation for those who do get it. I guess in light of the “best times” and “worst times” from this past semester, I will strive for a more balanced approach to life in the near future. I will be grateful for the bad & good and seek opportunities to grow.

Until Next Time, 

K.L.E