2018: Love Lost & Loved While Lost

Every year I select an meaningful word to pray over and guide me through the challenges of the year to come. My word for last year was love. Not just any kind of love, but the kind of reckless, boundless, all-forgiving, love-with-out-limits kind of love. A love that the human mind cannot fully grasp but yet longs for intently. A love that breaks through barriers, differences, disappointments, selfishness, pain, and struggles. A never ending love that "...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." (1 Cor. 13:7). This AGAPE love can only be found in one place and that is in the blood of Christ and His perfect story of Redemption. My prayer for the year was that I could better understand God's love for me through intimacy with him and that I could exhibit that love to everyone I came in contact with. Both of these were areas I grew in last year but not in ways I expected.

At the beginning of last year, God blessed me in a relationship with an amazing guy. It was good, really good and honestly felt like an answer to prayers at just the right time. I learned so much about myself, but also what true love really looks like during that time. Up until that point, I didn't think I could ever be lovable: that someone would love me, just for being me or that someone would say I choose you. I didn't understand how someone could see beauty in my flaws, or compliment even the weirdest parts of who I am (I can be quite the strange cookie). Even though this relationship was of the romantic type, God opened my eyes to so many things about His great love for me and I was finally able to accept the women who God made me to be: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. 

When that relationship ended a few months later I was completely heartbroken. I couldn't comprehend why someone who felt the way they did about me (and who I loved with everything I had) could just change their mind. I felt confused, lost, extremely hurt, and completely worthless at times. I didn't understand why God would bless me with something so good, just to take it away. I questioned everything. Everything that had felt right, and now suddenly felt completely wrong.

It was during this time that I truly began to understand the meaning of AGAPE. When I felt alone God said "When you pass through the waters I will be with you" (Is.43:2). When I felt unworthy I heard God speaking through the birds. "Look at the birds of the air....are you not of more value than they"? (Matt. 6:26). When I felt afraid I AM was with me. When I just wanted to be held, God held me in His right hand. When I felt week, God whispered "My yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matt. 11: 30). When I felt unloved I heard the message "For God so loved the world....." or better that God so loved His daughter, Katy. When life felt like a complete mess God reminded "I make everything beautiful in it's time" (Ecc.3:11). This is AGAPE. This is my heavenly father, the one who created me, cherishes me, and sacrificed for my life. It took me a while, but through this I got to a point of understanding that all of this had happened because of love. He broke it off out of genuine love and respect for me, God allowed the relationship to both form and break out of His great love for me, and I learned how how to deeply love others in ways I never had before. 

Another lesson about love that God was teaching me throughout the year is how to AGAPE others like Jesus does especially those in need and the marginalized. I often begin my mornings praying that God would provide me an opportunity to show his love within that day, and those opportunities became numerous. I started viewing every interaction I had with others as an opportunity to show the love of Christ, and prayed that God would use me, to speak through me in some way. Some days, this was as simple as keeping a positive attitude and spreading joy in the work place through my words. Other days required giving money, time, or resources freely for the good of God's kingdom. Making a habit of seeking out these opportunities, I began to see God work in sometimes small, but always powerful ways. This is something that is very much a work in progress for me, and something I will continue to grow in this new year.

The last powerful love lesson I took home from this year is spoken from humble and a gratitude filled heart. On Oct. 10th of this year, Hurricane Michael swept through the  Florida panhandle, not only wrecking homes and businesses, but destroying the very livelihood of all those in it's path. It broke my heart to see such destruction within my community, and among my family and friends. People are still picking up the pieces from this natural disaster and most likely will be for months and years to come. But among all the ruble, sad stories, and challenges facing I saw a glimmer of hope, and a movement so powerful, it could only be love. People who had lost everything were giving anything and everything they had to help others. Neighbors were helping neighbors, strangers were helping strangers. People from all around the country and possibly even the world, were showing love to people they didn't even know. Churches raised funds, handed out resources, and sent workers to help in relief efforts. My own home congregation had loses to the building and many members homes, yet they became a beacon of light in a community that so desperately needed to have both their physical and spiritual needs met. As I watched all of this unfold from a distance, I realized that this was true love, and since God is love, this must be God. 

In 2018 I grew in my love towards others, grew in gratitude of peoples love in the world, but most importantly I grew in my understanding of God's love and how it is manifested even in the darkest times of my life. My prayer for 2019 is that I can continue to better understand God and keep my identity firmly rooted in His love.  

Until next time,
K.L.E