My Journey of Faith

Everyone has a story: people, events, and decisions that form the pieces of individual identity in this world. For Christians, this story involves transformation, redemption, forgiveness, newness, grace, love and faith. Though every story is different, all are uniquely important within God’s family. Growing up, I had difficulty understanding the significance of my own faith story both in my life and as a testimony to others. I was blessed to be raised in a family that made church and God a priority and fortunate to not have to deal with death, addiction, divorce, or dramatic phases of rebellion throughout my childhood. As a young Christian, I heard many grand testimonies about grace and God’s love from people who had come from dark places. Some were addicts, some didn’t grow up in the church, and many had recovered from unimaginable family and life situations. Many times, I wanted to share my faith, but I felt my story to be unworthy, uninteresting and limiting in reach. I am slowly discovering that the significance in my story, and in everyone’s faith story is not the details of the story itself, but in God’s love manifested in the lives of His people in a variety of ways. Here is my story, and I pray that God uses it how he wills.

                From the moment I was conceived, my parent’s prayer is that I would grow up to love the Lord, the church, and to be strong in faith. My name (Kate Loraine) comes from two of my great grandmothers who were both strong pillars of faith for their family. Growing up, we were a family that was at church every time the doors were open for services, youth events, etc. When I was little, we would read bible stories before bed, and were also taught the importance of giving to God both in talents and monetarily. I was homeschooled all through my school age years and bible study was always incorporated into our curriculum. I was taught science and arts within a biblical framework and was encouraged to develop my biblical worldview from a very young age. Higher education was often a topic of discussion with the view of a certain Christian university in mind.

                I was well favored at church because of my bible knowledge and sweet demeanor and was seen as a leader of sorts by many of the youth in the church. However, at this point I was not a baptized believer. This battle of faith for me began around the age of 11. I was doing all the “right things” and everyone seemed to think I was an angel. I felt immense perceived pressure to be baptized, especially when many of my younger friends already were, but something was holding me back. I knew that committing my life to Christ wouldn’t be easy and accepted that I wasn’t “ready” to make such a decision. I struggled with feeling unworthy of God’s gift of salvation, and spent the next four years trying to rid myself completely of all sin. I prayed earnestly that God would remove my selfish desires, feelings of anger, rebellion, and perpetual lying. I would get better at controlling these shortcomings for a few weeks and would think to myself “maybe I’m finally good enough to be baptized”. Then I would quickly fall back into the trap of selfish sin and convince myself that I was no longer fit to be a baptized believer. I was also super shy and the thought of going up in front of the congregation terrified me. I remember many Sunday’s where I could not focus on the lesson because I felt the spirit calling me to respond, but every time I would be filled with eternal excuses to justify my insecurities and anxiety.

                When I was 16, I attended church camp like I did every year, but this particular year was different. It was my first time in Senior High week and was very moving. I’ll admit, I did not enjoy the first part of the week because I didn’t know many people and I felt spiritually vulnerable. One day during prayer group time, we were split into pairs to discuss personal struggles and prayer requests. People starting paring off and soon there was only myself and another girl left. I was nervous about having her as a partner because she was an unbeliever and a little “rough around the edges”. I just knew that she wouldn’t take it seriously and I didn’t want to share my personal fears with a complete stranger. Regardless, we started discussing faith and doubts. She started telling me things about her broken family life and asking questions about God. We started talking about baptism and she said it was something she was considering, but felt like she had so much to learn. I explained to her learning and growing was a continuous process and that if it was really something she wanted to do, and understood the basics of the gospel, then she should go for it. She asked if I was baptized and I told her about my journey to eliminate sin and waiting for the right moment. She stared at me with a blank look in her eyes for what seemed like forever. When she finally spoke, she said “I don’t know what you’re waiting for.” Her words penetrated deep and I believe God broke my heart in that moment, tearing through the barriers I had put up and allowing me to see truth in its raw state. With blubbery speech and mascara stained cheeks we held hands and prayed together in the middle of the cafeteria at camp. Over the next few days at camp, I couldn’t get our conversation out of my mind. I spent many moments alone in personal prayer and reflection. Because those barriers were broken through, I allowed myself to be vulnerable and met many new friends and reconnected with old ones, making for one of the best weeks of camp ever.

Sunday came around and I woke up with a big smile knowing that this day would be one of the best days of life. I was ready to be free from the bondage of sin, ready, to be part of God’s family officially, and ready to confess the name of Jesus from the mountain tops. That evening after church I was baptized into Christ by my dad. I distinctly remember the events of that day and the small group of people who witnessed my new birth. Before, I was under the assumption that baptism was an outward reflection of repentance and submission to God but even more than that, something amazing happened when I came out of that water. It was something so incomprehensibly beautiful, I can’t explain it in words other than simply magical. Scenes of heaven flashed before my eyes and I felt the physical presence of God’s arms wrapped around me. I knew in that moment I was forever changed. I could feel God’s immense love and grace running through my veins with complete peace and confidence in my life purpose.   

The days following were honestly some of the most difficult I’ve experienced. Somehow I thought that being in Christ would be the golden ticket out of pain, fear, and sin. I felt immense guilt and shame because the sinful thoughts and selfish desires I had before baptism where still there. I knew I was forgiven of my past sins, but yet perpetual sins kept coming up and I didn’t know how to deal with them. I spent a lot of time in prayer pleading for God to make me “good” and “pure”. I didn’t fully understand the gift of grace, or the gift of the Holy Spirit and it felt like the devil was attacking me from all angles. One comforting feeling was knowing that I didn’t have to brave these attacks alone, lots of people at church were looking out for me and the devil’s attacks only made me pray more. Being a Christian does not mean life will be smooth, or the path straight, but instead it means not walking through the trials of life alone. Baptism is not a one-time event but a continued cleansing through grace. but the gift of the holy spirit offers protection from the schemes of Satan and paths of sin if only we live in complete surrender to His ways. All that God wants in return for this great gift is that we love him with everything, dying to ourselves daily and following the example Jesus in boundless love and limitless faith. Christianity is not about God being with you, but about God being within you.

Over the years I have learned many things about God and my identity in Christ. My faith has been challenged and beliefs stretched. I’ve experienced spiritual growing pains, and at times, doubted my faith entirely. I’ve experienced heartache, pain, stress, depression, fear, anxiety, insecurity and a constant analysis of my purpose and existence in this world. Though all of life’s struggles, my faith has been a constant. Even when it seems like God is distant, his spirit is ever present in my life though his people and his creation. My journey of faith may not be a dramatic story that changes lives, but it is my story, and it has changed my life. My journey is not over, but has only just begun. Deuteronomy 31:6b